"What makes a healthy relationship? Two healthy people that come together as independent people and then evolve as partners.” Justin and Isley are two Long Island badasses who have been married for 45 years! Their arguments have changed in many ways – Isley is now retired, the kids are grown up, and their arguing has evolved the way they have evolved as people. Justin is a therapist so we get a lot of real solid actual advice instead of the ramblings of some crazy single chick! We talk about the five stages of marriage (hint: if you get to stage four, you’re gonna go the distance), and the importance of working on your relationship by working on yourself. Justin and Isley are Rachel's parents! Check out their episode to see how Rachel and Matt are similar and different from Justin and Isley.
Chase and Chris have been together for 13 months and they met on TINDER! They have disagreements from time to time but on the whole they’re very compatible - no raised voices and no not speaking to each other. Their biggest challenge is managing their time - making sure they have enough time for each other and for their friends. Also, Chris coming to understand Chase’s career as a creative and the uncertainty - and sometimes days of nothing on the calendar - was somewhat of a hurdle that they very successfully cleared! They are naturally very similar and come from very similar backgrounds, except that Chris is from a talk-it-out family and Chase is now. Listen to see how compatibilty, maturity, and experience can make a new relationship easy. Julia references this New York Times article on “greedy marriages” https://nyti.ms/2zxyro7 and this amazing twitter thread about good-seeming partners coming from fucked up families:
Ari and Betsy have been together for NINETEEN years...but it “feels like twenty!” They look VERY young for a couple who got MARRIED ten years ago and have three young boys! The great majority of their fights, especially their pre-children fights, occurred either en route to or returning from the IKEA in New Jersey. Ari & Betsy fight a lot more than they ever did before the kids. They chat with Julia about the ‘mental load’ that women have to bear in many heteronormative relationships while men remain exempt...a load that Julia is all too familiar with. Ari and Betsy’s families’ approach fights in VERY different ways, which has forced them both to come to terms with aspects of their past that now inform their relationship with each other and the ways in which they rear their “three white men in a world where a lot of the problems are caused by white men”. Julia learns about the power of what Ari and Betsy call “confederate [obsolete] currency,” and how this can aid the end of a fight. What changes in an argument when the goal is no longer to “win” the fight but rather to end the fighting? Can you peacefully end a fight without fully recognizing that your opponent might be right after all? And, ultimately, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Tyler & Dashia are about to celebrate their SIXTEENTH wedding anniversary but they’ve been together for TWENTY years! Self-identified “harmless pranksters,” they’re perfect for one another. Their main conflicts revolve around spending habits: Tyler is more conservative with his money and Dashia appreciates being able to buy herself something nice – be that a 120 minute massage or a fun weekend vacation. They chat with Julia about fights centering on chores and driving, the relative fairness of their contributions, and the fact that they are seen by some friends as “brutal” fighters. Tyler & Dashia also give Julia SO MANY tools to add to her growing repertoire of ways to effectively fight in relationships. Their twenty years together have seen A LOT of change and overall progress toward working with and for each others as partners as well as toward learning to appreciate each other’s backgrounds and understand how their values play into the person they are today.